This is my Goodbye
by Seressoth
Summary: I pretend that I'm always happy. I pretend so no one sees my pain. I pretend so no one sees what I've become. I pretend because that's all I can do. I pretend because that's all I know how to do. Hiatus.
1. Prologue

**Title**: This is my Goodbye  
**Author**: Dying Dreams  
**Fandom**: Naruto  
**Feedback**: Feedback is always welcome!a  
**Summary**: I pretend that I'm always happy. I pretend so no one sees my pain. I pretend so no one sees what I've become. I pretend because that's all I can do. I pretend because that's all I know how to do.  
**Pairings**: Currently undisclosed for the time being. All shall be revealed eventually. nn

**Naruto**: Why do _I_ have to be the one to die?  
**Dream**: Because I love you.  
**Naruto**: That doesn't make sense.  
**Dream**: I don't make sense either. I'm not sure why this surprises you Naruto-kun.  
**Itachi**: -Laughs- She's right. She never really makes sense.  
**Naruto**: I hate you.  
**Dream**: No you don't.  
**Naruto**: Yes I do.  
**Dream**: Fine be that way. In other news, special thanks to my beta for helping me out. I believe I re-wrote this about three times before he was satisfied. I love you Psy. x3 Ah the joys of trying to please a beta. I have to admit I'm more satisfied with this version as well.  
**Itachi**: Well that's certainly something.  
**Dream**: I know isn't it? -Shrugs- I have more issues with Naruto than other anime series. What the hell's with that?  
**Itachi**: You're asking me?  
**Dream**: Not specifically. -Stares at nothing-  
**Itachi**: Dream? -Waves a hand in front of her face- Yep. She's gone.  
**Sasuke**: The hell? -Stares at her- She's a freak.  
**Itachi**: -Shrugs- Warnings and disclaimer. **Dream**: Wait wait wait! Additional warnings in the summary thingie will be added when needed.

**Warnings**: Mm. Not really much I can say as far as warnings go. Not much to actually be warned about. Unless you count Naru-chan's sadness. oO -Shrugs and wanders off-  
**Disclaimer**: I do not now, nor will I ever have any real claim of ownership over the original ideas of the series known as Naruto. In no way am I profiting from this writing.

**Prologue**

_- - - - - - - - - -_

The blond shifted uncomfortably in his seat, staring at the blank paper in front of him, pen clutched tightly in his hand. He lowered his head sighed, his hand slowly moving towards the sheet. He didn't write anything, instead his fingers gently brushed against it, his mind going over again what he was going to say. Moving his empty hand away, he replaced it with his occupied one, pressing the tip to the sheet, dragging it across as he began to write.

_'Sasuke,_

_There's something I've been meaning to tell you. But I never knew how to say it. I wanted to tell you I love you, but I don't think I can anymore. I wanted to tell you that I want to be with you always. That I wanted to be the first thing you see when you wake up every morning. But I can't. It hurts when I think about it, but it's true. I can't tell you. I don't want to lose you. Because if I lost you now, I would surely be alone when it happens.'_

Naruto held back his sniffling as he continued.

_'I haven't told anyone yet._

_But..._

_I think... I think I'm dying._

_I've been like this for awhile now. I feel so weak, and it feels like my body is giving up. I don't eat very much anymore, and I think I may end up stopping sometime soon. What's worse, is I can't hardly sleep anymore either. I lay here in my bed, and I stare at the ceiling, unable to close my eyes and let the darkness take me. At most, I'd say I get about an hour, if even that.'_

He stopped again, lifting his free hand and running it through his hair, he sighed sadly as he continued, the words he was about to write making him want to cry.

_'I'm sorry I haven't told you anything like I knew I should have._

_I'm sorry I'm making everyone worry, especially you._

_I'm sorry that all I seem to do is make things worse._

_I'm sorry that I can't do anything right.'_

He could feel them stinging at his eyes, threatening to fall. He realized now that he really was pathetic. Maybe they were right. Maybe they had always been right. That he really was good for nothing. He'd heard it all his entire life. Everything from being the demon they claimed him to be to disgusting filth not fit to walk this Earth. He meant nothing to anyone. He was as they said. Worthless.

He could only watch as his tears splashed onto the paper, dripping from his eyes and trailing down his cheeks before falling from his face. He did nothing to stop them, his hand holding the pen pressing onto the paper hard, the pressure he applied causing the ink to leak from the pen, leaving a dark pool of slowly drying ink in its wake. He didn't even seam to notice it as he drew his hand away to continue writing.

_'I'm sorry you have to see me like this._

_I'm sorry that who I am makes me so weak._

_I'm sorry that I can't be as strong as everyone else or even just you._

_I'm sorry for the things I've said and done that I never meant._

_I'm sorry that I can't change who I am, to make myself better._

_I'm sorry that I can't be the person you think I am._

_I'm sorry that I'm going to leave you._

_I'm sorry that I can't stay with you.'_

His tears smudged slightly the still drying ink. He couldn't stop them, and he wasn't sure he wanted to.

_'When I think about it, I don't think I ever truly deserved your friendship, or that of anyone else for that matter. If I still think about it, it's always been a game. A child's game of pretend. I have always played this game._

_I pretend that their words don't hurt me. I pretend that no matter what they do to me, nothing can bring me down. I pretend that I'm always happy. I pretend so no one sees my pain. I pretend so no one sees what I've become. I pretend because that's all I can do. I pretend because that's all I know how to do._

_Do you understand? Everything about me that you thought you knew, has always been wrong. I'm not who you and the others think I am. I never was, and I never can be. This is me. The one who hides his true self from the world for fear of being broken again and again because he can't take all the pain._

_I've always believed that I was destined to be alone. Would you look at me now? Talking about destiny when I told Neji at the Chuunin examines that first time all those years ago that destiny does not control you, but it is you who controls your own destiny. I'm such a hypocrite, but it's true isn't it? I know. I know that deep down this is how things are meant to be.'_

His own words were distressing him. Unable to stop himself, he slumped forward, dragging the pen vertically across the sheet of paper he was writing on. He had almost pressed hard enough to break through the fragile object. After several still moments, he finally rose in order to continue, tears still trailing down his cheeks even as he moved on to the next blank sheet of paper.

_'No one knows the real me, so no one can ever love me. The person behind the mask, always playing that game of pretend every day. All you've ever seen is the idiotic fool, always happy and hardly ever sad. I couldn't let anyone in to see how fragile I really was. It hurt to much._

_I wish I could have trusted you enough to let you see the real me, but I was afraid. I was afraid of being hurt by the one I held closest to my heart. I've been walking on glass with a fragile heart for as long as I can remember, and I know I've always been this way._

_You should realize that no one could ever really understand me, except Gaara, but he is free of his demon now. I can never be free. I learned to accept that, and it isn't so bad anymore. At least he doesn't make fun of me anymore. I think it's because he finally started to feel my pain as his pain. He understood how much I was hurting because of what was done to me. Every day he tries to tell me to let him be free so he can destroy everything for me, since I can't do it myself. But I won't let that happen. I won't debase myself to be like them, and give them a reason to hate me even more. That's not what I want, so I let myself be their scapegoat, because everyone needs a scapegoat at some point in their life.'_

He stopped again, pulling back from leaning over the slowly filling sheet. Everything would be blurry if he kept crying over it. He wanted Sasuke to be able to read it. No guessing at what he was trying to say. After several more moments of nothing passed, the tears had slowed and were barely leaving his face now. He continued writing.

_'I'm sorry. I want to tell you all of this myself, but I don't think I can. I think if I did, I might break. It hurts to think about it. To know that I'm so weak even after I went to the effort of getting you back after everything that happened. You leaving. Orochimaru's death. Itachi's death. The downfall of the Akatsuki._

_So even if I die, it's okay in the end. Akatsuki was never able to get their hands on me, and the council can finally be appeased. It's what they've always wanted. It's what everyone always wanted. The death of the demon. So it's a win-win situation, you know? Everybody wins. Well, I'd like to think so anyways. I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think I really care anyways. So it's okay_

_But I just want you to be happy, Sasuke. I really do. And I want to think that you'll be better off without me. I don't deserve you anyways. You're so much better than I am. I shouldn't say it, but it's true. And it's ok for me to admit this. I don't mind. Really. I mean it. Please believe me.'_

_So until I go, which I don't think will be to long from the time you receive this, I will continue to play my game of make believe. I don't want anyone to worry about me. I'm not worth it anyways. The demon child doesn't need anyone to love him. I can love you, but it's ok if you don't love me back. As long as you're happy, then, I think I'll be ok. So please. Don't worry about someone as worthless as me. Just... be happy._

_That's all I want._

_That's all I need._

_If the last thing I can see before I go is you, then I can for once in my life be truly happy. I can't explain what I mean._

_But I do mean it._

_Because it's only you I truly care for._

_It's only you, that I will ever love._

_With all my love,_

_Naruto'_

The tears had come back full force as Naruto pushed the papers away from him, not wanting to soak them with the tears. He slowly slid the envelope towards himself, setting the pen down on the table. He opened it and pulled the papers forward, arranging them in the correct order before folding them and gently slipping them into the envelope. He folded the flap over and picked up the small wooden handle from where it lay, using his other hand to press a dab of dark red melted wax over the middle of the flap. He moved his hand away and pressed the brass end of the handle into the wax, holding it down for a minute to let the wax cool before pulling it away, leaving a small nine-tailed fox in its place. He set everything aside, intending to put them away later should the intent actually rise. He blew out the candle used to melt the wax and rose to his feet, glancing around his dreary apartment before turning to leave, slipping his shoes on at the door before silently slipping out, pushing the door softly closed behind him.

**TBC...**


	2. Chapter 1

**Title**: This is my Goodbye  
**Author**: Dying Dreams  
**Fandom**: Naruto  
**Feedback**: Feedback is always welcome!  
**Summary**: I pretend that I'm always happy. I pretend so no one sees my pain. I pretend so no one sees what I've become. I pretend because that's all I can do. I pretend because that's all I know how to do. 

**Dream**: Oh my. All of my beloved readers, of COURSE I'm going to continue. I wouldn't leave you hanging just like that.  
**Itachi**: Yes you would.  
**Dream**: Lies.  
**Itachi**: You know it's true.  
**Dream**: More lies!  
**Itachi**: Whatever.  
**Dream**: Anyways. I can't really say how long this story is going to be, but the chapters will be longer than the prologue. -Nods- All filled with torment and anguish for our dear little Naru-chan.  
**Naruto**: I hate you.  
**Dream**: No you don't.  
**Sasuke**: You get pleasure out of torturing lives don't you.  
**Dream**: I sure do.  
**Sasuke**: Evil sadistic bitch.  
**Dreams**: -Grins at him- Awh. Sasu-chan knows me so well!  
**Sasuke**: -Glares- Don't call me that.  
**Dream**: What? Sasu-chan? What's wrong with calling you Sasu-chan, huh Sasu-chan? What's the matter Sasu-chan? Sasu-chan why are you shaking like that? Itachi what's wrong with Sasu-chan?! Eep! -Runs from an angry Sasu-chan-  
**Itachi**: -Watches them- He told her not to call him that. -Shrugs-  
**Naruto**: When have you ever known her to listen to anything anyone says?  
**Itachi**: -Thinks for a moment- Never.  
**Naruto**: Exactly. Warnings and disclaimer. Enjoy, ya bastards.

**Warnings**: Graphic description of what's happening inside Naruto's body. I had to do it.  
**Disclaimer**: I do not now, nor will I ever have any real claim of ownership over the original ideas of the series known as Naruto. In no way am I profiting from this writing.

**Chapter 1  
**

_- - - - - - - - - -_

He padded quietly down the stairs of the apartment building, one hand trailing along the wall lightly, the other holding the envelope to his chest. He knew his eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and they would remain so. He didn't care. It didn't matter. Thinking back on all he had written was bringing back the urge to cry. He could feel the tears stinging at his eyes, yearning for release. He knew in the end they would fall. He lowered his head, and set them free. The salty liquid trailing down his face for the third time that day. They had halted their fall when he left the apartment, but now they were back. He knew he couldn't stop them.

There were no taunting words, no terms of hatred thrown at him as he descended through the building. He was grateful for this. The owner of the building still held a strong hatred towards him, and knew it would never change. But it didn't matter anymore. They would always hate him, and he could never bring himself to care. Not like he may once have before he became ill.

Kyuubi had explained what was happening to him once, shortly after it had made itself known, but he forgot the words now. He didn't remember how or why he was dying. He simply knew he was, and he knew that it would soon be over. His suffering would end, and they would be free from the torment this life had inflicted on them.

"_Fate is for those too weak to determine their own destiny." _Naruto scoffed at the remembered quote. He knew it fit him perfectly. He knew his destiny had been mapped out for him the very moment Kyuubi had been sealed inside of him, and once it was known, there was no changing it.

He would always remember the pain, and how he played the game, hiding his real self from the world. It made him weak, but it didn't matter. He couldn't change what was to come.

Blue eyes stared blankly at the hard packed dirt he moved silently across, having left the depressing building he called his home only moments before. It loomed behind him like the monster they made him out to be, and yet that monster was the only thing to welcome him with open arms when he stepped through the door into his own place of true solitude. He could only be himself in that suffocating pit of depression. Only there could he let the tears fall and the unwanted memories of pain consume him day after day. He would always feel it. He did not deny it.

The hand hanging limply at his side lifted slowly, brushing away the still falling tears. His hand pulling away moist only to be dried against his jacket before going back for more. He wouldn't scrub at his eyes to make them stop. He would simply pull them away and let them continue their downward path. Crying was the only thing he could do right now.

He could feel the stares as he moved quietly through the streets, heading to where he believed the last Uchiha to be. He only hoped the brunet was at home. If he wasn't, then he would turn to the training fields. He felt he needed to give him the letter he clutched in his hand. He wanted him to have. He'd even gone so far as to write the brunet's name on the outside.

He ignored the dull pain in his side when something was thrown at him. He recognized it to be a small rock. It was always the older generations that tormented him the most. Throwing things at him and cursing him at the same time. His head tilted to one side as another projectile connected hard with his head, leaving a dull throbbing pain in it's wake. He tried his best to ignore their cruel words as he walked, his hang hanging limply at his side once again. He would not give them the satisfaction of knowing that they had hurt him. He would never give them that. He was their scapegoat. Plain and simple. There would never be anything more to it than that.

He felt as though dark clouds of destruction were hanging over his head, and if he looked up they would probably be there. He had admitted his defeat months ago, knowing what his fate would be and calmly accepting it. It was how things were meant to be, and it would remain standing that way.

He felt another sharp pain at the back of his, but did nothing to acknowledge it other than a slight wince. He heard shouting voices, believing they were telling the villagers to stop throwing things at him. He did not thank whoever they were. Not even. Silently. It happened all of the time, and they knew that even if he didn't show it, he was a little grateful for the smidgen of kindness bestowed upon him for that one moment.

It slightly amused him how he hadn't even felt them arrive. He knew the end was near. Well, nearer than it had been a few days ago. He could no longer detect when someone was approaching his location. And when they suddenly appeared in front of him or at his side, he struggled to refrain from jumping or making any other kind of movement of surprise, doing it all within the sanctuary of his deteriorating mind. It was an effect of the illness he had somehow contracted. It was slowly destroying his mind as well as the rest of his body. He already knew most of his major organs were heavily damaged, barely held together by whatever chakra the fox could push into them and keep them together.

It was pure agony, but the blond withheld, hiding his pain from those around them. He did not want them to think they had to worry for him. He didn't deserve. He firmly believed this.

He paused mid step, feeling something inside his body tearing itself apart. He bit back a groan of pain as he felt whatever it was destroying itself do just that, causing more internal bleeding. Why did it have to happen now of all times? He lowered his head further, short bangs falling forward to hide pain filled eyes from those around him.

"What is it this time?" he asked.

"_It's your liver again," _the fox replied, a hint of sadness in his voice. He was drawing on his chakra reserves, pushing whatever he could towards the blond's liver in the attempt to keep it together.

Naruto nodded mutely, biting back another groan of pain. He wasn't going to give the villagers the satisfaction of knowing the amount of pain he was currently experiencing.

The fox growled in frustration as he struggled to pull the pieces of the damaged organ back together. Most of it was still intact, but small chunks of it had broken off and managed to drift away from the main body. It was almost as though the pieces were trying to flee from the fox's searching chakra. He tried his best to stop the internal bleeding, but he knew he could only do so much with his limited supply of chakra.

Naruto grimaced upon feeling a sharp stabbing pain inside his body. Kyuubi was forcing his liver back together, and the process was painful. He felt a severe pain as every piece that had separated from his liver was reconnected. Kyuubi was using small, short bursts of chakra to fuse it back together.

The pain finally receded after a few moments and Naruto sighed in relief, silently thanking the fox for his help. There was no response from the now sleeping demon. Every time he had to heal something like that, it exhausted him now. The fox was growing weaker as his vessel did.

The attacks inside his body were becoming more frequent, and often on organs that had been attacked before. This was the third time his liver had started tearing itself apart. The only major organs that had yet to be affected were his heart, lungs and even his brain had been left alone. Those, he knew, would destroy themselves last. His body would continue to destroy everything else until it knew the fox could no longer stop it before any move was made on those remaining three undamaged pieces of him. There was the idea that whatever had happened to him was specifically designed to attack in this way. There was no going back with this. That's how it was now.

He murmured an apology to an unknown person, having accidentally bumped against their shoulder. The person returned in kind by telling the monster to watch where he was going. Nothing further passed between them as the man hurried off.

Naruto wept. From himself and the fox, he could never hide his pain. He couldn't deny how much it hurt every time he received one of those dirty looks. Every time nasty words were thrown at him, usually followed by random projectiles being hurled at him. Most likely whatever happened to be within arms reach at the moment.

The dull throbbing pain from before was still there, and he knew it wouldn't leave him for some time. The fox no longer had the power to heal even the slightest of wounds. He had to save everything to keep the rest of his body together.

That's simply how it was now. There was no healing, and every little bit of pain was intensified by his body. He was no longer as strong as he was once. His body was weak, and it was dieing.

He sighed softly, feeling that his tears were finally stopping. He lifted his head, wiping the remnants of the tears from his eyes and face, lowering it to dry his hand one last time on his jacket. He had no more tears to cry that day.

When he looked up again, he realized where he was. He was almost to the Uchiha District. He was almost to Sasuke. He let himself smile softly at the realization. He only hoped the brunet really was there.

He shuffled along quietly, finally arriving at the gates that led into the district. He lifted his empty hand and set his palm flat against the dark wood that had been used to construct the gates. He pushed, slowly forcing one of the two doors inward, the hinges creaking at the movement as it slowly opened. He pushed it far enough where he could easily slip through, leaving it open behind him, intending to return that way. He drew away from the wooden door, moving through and entering the Uchiha District.

He trekked slowly along the nearly unused road, not allowing himself to look upon the vacant buildings that stretched along either side of him. This place had always felt lonely and depressing since the massacre all those years ago.

But at least it wasn't as bad as his own home. There it had always been lonely and depressing. There had never been anything to give it a semblance of happiness and lift the veil that had settled over the place since the day he had moved in. There never could be.

His hand twitched slightly, his head lifting to take in the sight of the main house ahead of him. No smile made its way onto his face at the sight. There was no happiness to be had. He stepped up to the door, hand lifting towards the wooden frame.

He instantly froze when he heard a noise coming from inside, the door suddenly sliding open. His eyes widened at the sight of the pink haired green eyed girl. He didn't think to wonder why she was even there. It didn't matter.

She smiled when she noticed him and said hello. She called his name when he didn't respond, trying to get his attention. After a few moments he let a small smile slip onto his face, lifting his hand and waving slightly, not daring to open his mouth and be able to speak properly.

Sakura called out, telling Sasuke that she would see the both of them later and stepped past him, not sparing the blond a second glance as she left.

Naruto's head shot up, staring at his dark haired crush as he appeared at the inner door. He heard him call his name, but he didn't respond. He was losing his nerve.

Slowly he extended his shaking right arm, holding the letter out to him. Sasuke stared at him, unsure of what to make of the situation. Naruto simply smiled at him, urging him to take it. Sasuke shrugged and reached out, taking the letter from his hand, dark eyes never leaving the blond's face. He noticed that smile was simply nothing but a smile. It hadn't been one of the blond's real ones, as it had not reached his eyes. Those blue eyes themselves looked dead and vacant, almost as though he wasn't really there. He didn't have the chance to say anything about it as the blond suddenly released his hold on the letter and turned, hurrying away to leave the brunet standing there staring after him.

He figured something must be wrong for the blond to act as he had.

**TBC...**


	3. Chapter 2

**I sincerely apologize for the horridly long wait. I was having a difficult time trying to figure out how to change certain parts of this chapter after giving it to my beta the first time.**

**Attention Readers**: If you would like to be on a mailing list to be notified when I update this story, let me know by leaving your e-mail address in a review.

**Title**: This is my Goodbye  
**Author**: Dying Dreams  
**Fandom**: Naruto  
**Feedback**: Feedback is always welcome!a  
**Summary**: I pretend that I'm always happy. I pretend so no one sees my pain. I pretend so no one sees what I've become. I pretend because that's all I can do. I pretend because that's all I know how to do.

**Dream**: I love you all oh so very much!  
**Itachi**: You do?  
**Dream**: Well not you specifically. I meant my readers.  
**Itachi**: Wait so you don't love me anymore?  
**Dream**: Well of course I do. I just love my readers a lot. x3  
**Itachi**: I see. So when is Naruto going to die?  
**Sasuke**: -Glares at aniki-  
**Dream**: -Grins- Like I'ma tell you? Pfft yeah right.  
**Naruto**: -Sits in the corner crying-  
**Dream**: Naru-chan? Naru-chan what's wrong?  
**Naruto**: I don't wanna die!  
**Dream**: -Goes over to Naruto and hugs him- What if next time I kill Sasuke?  
**Sasuke**: Hey!  
**Naruto**: No! I don't want teme to die!  
**Dream**: Ah I apologize for taking so long with this. I was having major issues trying to get it how I wanted.  
**Itachi**: You're fired.  
**Dream**: No I'm not.  
**Itachi**: Yes you are.  
**Dream**:Lies. Warnings and disclaimer! And review responses.

**Dream**: Oh! Anyone read chapter 399? :o I swear it's all just like... wow.

**movethemhands**: Heh. n-n I do what I must to achieve my goals. 3 Oh. And I don't do happy endings. 3 Happy endings are for suckers. Okay I might make it a smidgen of happiness, but whatever.

**animelover**: Oh hell no. Kill me now if anyone else thinks that. Seriously. Please do. I can barely stand Sakura as it is. I would **never** torture Sasuke with her. That's cruel and unusual punishment even by my standards. She's there for some random reason I never bothered to come up with. It just kind of happened that she was there. The reason why Naruto is dying will be revealed sometime later in the story. I can't tell you guys anything about it. You just get to know that he is. And thank you. nn

**Nova**: That or it's my natural cruelty kicking in. -shrugs- People who know me generally know I'm not the nicest of people. Sure I can be nice when I want to, but being mean is just so much fun. My beta for Facade has had plenty of experience with that.

**anndrageradragonclawz**: -Shrugs- I haven't completely decided much yet of what happens after this chapter. I do know a few things for sure though.  
**Anon**: My muse fizzled and died for awhile on this.  
**kurai**:Heh. Well thank you. N-n Hope you enjoy the chapter.  
**crazygood**: But if you die then you won't know what happens. :o  
**madamdragon**: Ah sorry sorry. I was having a few issues getting this right.

**Warnings**: Eh. None I think. This chapter is unbeta'd though. My beta wasn't on and I didn't feel like waiting for him.  
**Disclaimer**: I do not now, nor will I ever have any real claim of ownership over the original ideas of the series known as Naruto. In no way am I profiting from this writing. -Runs off with Itachi though-

**Chapter 2**

_- - - - - - - - - -_

Sasuke stared at the ominous white envelope sitting on his coffee table. He had a bad feeling about this, and wasn't sure what to make of it. Part of him was pushing him to open it and read it, while the other part was telling him to stay away. Stay as far away from it as humanly possible.

Elbows propped on his thighs, he folded his hands together and let his chin fall to rest on the back of his entwined fingers. All the while staring down at the ominously innocent white envelope that stared back at him with it's blank surface. He frowned and gave a sigh of frustration as he let his arms fall, his hands bumping slightly as his forearms fell onto his thighs.

He didn't know nor care how much time had passed since Naruto had given him the letter and promptly disappeared. All that mattered was the fact that the blond had given it to him in the first place, and the part of his mind that was urging him to open the damn thing was slowly but surely overpowering the part telling him to run away. But he knew he couldn't run away. Not from something like this. Perhaps his bad feeling would turn out to be nothing at all, and the letter would be something... good, so to speak. Maybe not, but he could still hope.

Hesitantly, he let his right hand reach forward, lifting off his thigh. Slowly, his arm shaking he extended his hand, fingers stretching out. As he neared it, he suddenly stopped, his hand curling back as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them again, he found the envelope in his hand, bringing it closer to himself.

Slowly, he turned it over, running his left index finger over the wax image of the nine-tailed fox he knew to be sealed within his best friend. He moved his finger into the opening to the side of the seal and swiftly broke it, pulling the flap up. He pushed his fingers inside, grabbed the folded papers and carefully brought them out. He set the envelope down on the table and looked at the folded thing still in his grasp.

He brought his right hand back and unfolded them, smoothing them against his closed thighs, holding it down with one hand at the top,the other at the bottom. He let his eyes rest on his untidily written name at the top of the first sheet, smirking ever-so-slightly at the blond's handwriting. He had to admit. Naruto's kanji had improved over the years. He'd give the dobe that much at least.

But as he began reading the letter, he found his body had completely frozen in place, and despite any effort he found himself unable to move. His only option to continue reading.

_'There's something I've been meaning to tell you. But I never knew how to say it. I wanted to tell you I love you, but I don't think I can anymore. I wanted to tell you that I want to be with you always. That I wanted to be the first thing you see when you wake up every morning. But I can't. It hurts when I think about it, but it's true. I can't tell you. I don't want to lose you. Because if I lost you now, I would surely be alone when it happens.'_

Sasuke's breathing came heavily as his eyes read every carefully written word, moving slowly from one character to the next. He found himself completely unable to tear his eyes away at the realization that his blond friend did in fact love him, and probably had loved him for years, keeping his feels to himself and suffering alone in his everlasting silence.

_'I haven't told anyone yet._

_But..._

_I think... I think I'm dying.'_

Sasuke stopped and stared at that single line. He... was... what? He... that couldn't be. No! It wasn't true! Naruto wasn't fucking dying! This was some sort of sick joke! Someone must have written this shit, turned themselves into Naruto and given this to him. Naruto couldn't die. Naruto couldn't leave him. He couldn't... he couldn't do this. It just wasn't possible. Some horrible lie... that's what it was... It just had to be... right?

"No," Sasuke whispered as he felt that unfamiliar yet familiar stinging sensation forming at the corners of his eyes.

_'Everything about me that you thought you knew, has always been wrong. I'm not who you and the others think I am. I never was, and I never can be. This is me. The one who hides his true self from the world for fear of being broken again and again because he can't take all the pain.'_

Pain. Sasuke knew that if there was anyone that understood pain it had to be Naruto, but he had never believed it was this. He had always seen and believed the lies Naruto created, showing them who he was not. He hated this. All of this. He hated that he had this letter, and he hated that he had to read it. Naruto was leaving him. He was being left behind again. It was cruel. Why did it have to be this way

Sasuke could feel something forming in his eye as his gaze moved along the dark line traveling nearly to the top of the page, and finding every smudged character where Naruto's tears must have dripped onto them as he sat at his table, carefully writing this letter to the Uchiha sitting on a couch, feeling empty inside as he read the words of his idiot friend.

_'I wish I could have trusted you enough to let you see the real me, but I was afraid. I was afraid of being hurt by the one I held closest to my heart. I've been walking on glass with a fragile heart for as long as I can remember, and I know I've always been this way.'_

He couldn't... he couldn't read this anymore... he didn't want to continue. All it seemed to be was Naruto's long goodbye. He didn't know if he would see him again before he was gone forever. The words seemed to blur together as he stared at them, the tears pooling in his eyes. The single thought of _'Naruto is going to die,'_ constantly ran through his mind. He couldn't stop it. His Naruto was going to leave him.

_'I'm sorry. I want to tell you all of this myself, but I don't think I can. I think if I did, I might break. It hurts to think about it. To know that I'm so weak even after I went to the effort of getting you back after everything that happened. You leaving. Orochimaru's death. Itachi's death. The downfall of the Akatsuki._

_So even if I die, it's okay in the end. Akatsuki was never able to get their hands on me, and the council can finally be appeased. It's what they've always wanted. It's what everyone always wanted. The death of the demon. So it's a win-win situation, you know? Everybody wins. Well, I'd like to think so anyways. I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think I really care anyways. So it's okay'_

"No!" Sasuke hissed, feeling the tears slowly dripping down his pale face. "You idiot! How can you possibly think this is okay?! How can you tell me these things?! Why can't you understand that... that I..." he trailed off, his eyes closing tightly as he forced himself to not say what he felt aloud. No one was there to hear him, but he could not say it aloud. Never could he do that. Not now. It hurt to much to try.

_'But I just want you to be happy, Sasuke. I really do. And I want to think that you'll be better off without me. I don't deserve you anyways. You're so much better than I am. I shouldn't say it, but it's true. And it's ok for me to admit this. I don't mind. Really. I mean it. Please believe me._

_So until I go, which I don't think will be to long from the time you receive this, I will continue to play my game of make believe. I don't want anyone to worry about me. I'm not worth it anyways. The demon child doesn't need anyone to love him. I can love you, but it's ok if you don't love me back. As long as you're happy, then, I think I'll be ok. So please. Don't worry about someone as worthless as me. Just... be happy._

_That's all I want._

_That's all I need._

_If the last thing I can see before I go is you, then I can for once in my life be truly happy. I can't explain what I mean._

_But I do mean it._

_Because it's only you I truly care for._

_It's only you, that I will ever love._

_With all my love,_

_Naruto'_

Sasuke sat in silence for what felt like the longest time, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to do anything. His mind suddenly came crashing back as it all caught up with him.

"He doesn't have much time left," he whispered, his eyes widening in realization. The papers slipped from his shaking fingers as he jerked to his feet. "He can't mean that."

Sasuke pivoted on his heel and threw himself over the back of the couch in his haste to get to the door. He hastily pulled on his shoes, wrenched the door open and bolted outside, stumbling and nearly tripping as he went. He tried to search for the blond's chakra to find him, but frowned and growled in frustration when he realized the attempt was fruitless.

As he reached the end of the long street, he slowed only enough to push open the gate, taking immediately to the rooftops upon exiting the Uchiha district. He move as fast as he could towards the blond's apartment, wishing and hoping he would be there.

He dropped onto the building next to Naruto's own apartment building, staring from the rooftop a floor above down to where he knew the blond's small home to be. Looking through the bedroom window, he found no sign of him. He stepped to the ledge and jumped across to the window to the room, sticking to the wall with his chakra. He reached his right hand over and pushed open the unlocked window, slipping quietly into the room.

He found it unnerving that the usually messy apartment was miraculously clean. The last few visits he'd made, there had always been some dirty clothes on the floor and a few empty ramen cups thrown carelessly on the floor. This harshly brought home the fact that he might be losing his dobe.

He wrenched open the bedroom door and silently moved down the hallway, not sensing the blond's presence anywhere inside the small apartment. Gglancing at the kitchen table, he found the items Naruto must have used littered across its surface.

Blank sheets of paper in a neat pile at one end, a pen lying near it, a candle long since extinguished, a stick of wax lying next to it and what appeared to be a wooden handle a few inches away. He moved towards the table, his hand already reaching out to grab it. the wooden handle in his hand, he turned it and gazed down at the engraved image of the nine-tailed demon in the metal end. He set it down and lifted his head, eyes looking to the small connected living area that consisted of a two-person couch, a few chairs badly in need of repair, a television, and a bookshelf stuffed full of papers, scrolls and books.

He turned his head and looked out through the kitchen window up at the nearly cloudless sky, one thought running through his mind.

"Where are you, dobe?"

**TBC...**


End file.
